If you really knew me...(inspired by the MTV show)

If you didn’t watch the MTV show “If you really knew me…”, you missed a powerful show and proof that MTV can have a show with actual meaning behind it. If you missed it, you have to see it. Everyone should see this. We need a national “challenge day”. So in honor of the show, here is my version of “if you really knew me…”

If you really knew me, you would know that I only act hardcore to cover my anger and hurt. I hate most men because of my paternal unit and I have shunned most things Armstead related (I’m working on that). If you really knew me you would know that my one goal in life is to make sure that my son becomes the man that I wish my father was. That’s why I tell him I love him every day and the reason I am so hard on him when it comes to housework and schoolwork.

If you really knew me, you would know that my biggest fear is failure and my definition of failure is way different than average failure. Anything less than perfection is failure to me. I also expect so much from other people that sometimes I push them away.

If you really knew me, you’d know that my second biggest fear is being alone. I don’t even like sitting in the house alone for a few minutes. I get really nervous and have to check all the locks and windows several times. Also, I get scared that I’m going to end up like my mother’s sister and never experience true love. If you really knew me, you’d know that I think this is what my family expects.

If you really knew me, you would know that people can talk all the shit in the world to me but one hurtful word from one of my family members tears me apart. I hold on to my families words. I wish I didn’t but I do.
If you really knew me, you’d know that I am about to enter the most exciting journey of my life and I feel like more of a failure than ever (re-read the previous paragraph).

If you really knew me, you’d know I am terrified of becoming fat like the women on my paternal unit’s side of my gene pool. I’d starve myself, take laxatives, and exercise 20 hours a day before I let myself get fat. Its bad enough I have to look in the mirror everyday and see Margret’s face. And what’s even worse is the feeling I have when my mom (or other family) throws it in my face all the time how much I look like “them”. I know how much she dislikes them for what they did to us and when she looks at me I feel like there is a feeling of disgusted, even if it is just my imagination.

If you really knew me, you’d know I didn’t have a group that I was associated with in high school. I wasn’t smart enough to be a nerd (not at the school I went to). I wasn’t cool enough to be popular (and actually that was ok with me). I wasn’t weird enough to be a freak. The friends that I did have are pretty much all gone. I never talked to any of the guys after high school (Keith, Joe, Kevin, etc.) and no one knows what happened to Gary! Sara was another case of “my boyfriend of a few months is more important that my friends of years”. Man, I seem to be getting a lot of that lately. What a shame because she is a great person. Robin is in the world that Robin has always been in! LOL! She’s cool peeps and everyone should have a “Robin”. All I really have left is Ashley, which is enough to replace lots of space in my heart. Heck, she married one of my best friends from high school, Paul, and I don’t really talk to him either (except when I stay at their house or I have a car or Mario related question). I guess having a few good friends is better than none or a bunch of bad friends but I miss a lot of those people.

Oh, I could go on forever but after an hour crying watching the show and choking back tears to write this, I’m exhausted. But I leave you with this: make your own challenge day. Challenge yourself to step outside your box and interact with someone you normally would not. Express yourself and don’t hold back! Happy Challenge Day!